sick.

in the third grade talent show i recited shel silverstein’s poem sick while wearing pajamas, dragging a blanket and with slept on braided hair that had been ratted. i still remember most of it, to christian’s non-surprise since i tend to have a memory for very random things.

i cannot go to school today, said little peggy ann mckay, i have the measles and the mumps. a gash, a rash and purple bumps!…

i love the ending, when after peggy’s many protests and self-diagnosed ailments, she realizes it’s saturday and she is miraculously cured. i have been anxiously awaiting my very own saturday.

with my other pregnancies i was always very sick. so much so that one co-worker, who did not experience morning sickness in the slightest, accusingly said, you don’t even seem excited about this pregnancy! as i was ducking under my desk and aiming for my trash can. that sickness came as a shock. i’d heard of morning sickness – but, like the uninitiated, assumed it pertained to, well, the morning. that has not ever been the case with me. it is an all day long nausea that does not subside. nothing eases it, not any kind of prescription drug, or vitamin, or other kind of remedy. unless you count sleeping.

with this pregnancy i expected the sick which arrived my birthday week – but i had naively hoped it would diminish after the first trimester. i was not prepared for the sick to have a worse name, hypermesis, requiring me to experience IVs for the first time in the hospital.

my friend tallie, who heroically birthed her third baby in her bath tub, had the duty of taking me to the hospital the first time. i hadn’t been able to keep anything down for three days. i was weak. i was crying. i was non-responsive. tallie about passed out when she saw my urine sample was a deep, dark color. i remember she asked the nurse with the gold eye-shadow if she was an IV specialist because her wimpy friend was scared. gold-eye shadow nurse did a great job, and afterward tallie understood why i would not be birthing my baby in a bathtub. (i am kind of a pansy chicken).

during the first few months i disappeared. if i wasn’t in my bathroom, i was on the couch watching law and order and ncis reruns or i was in my bed. i did not clean. i did not cook. i did not open my fridge. i did not floss (don’t tell christian). i did not swallow any prenatal vitamins. i was sad as holidays passed me by and i couldn’t plan menus and cook treats. i cried at least daily. christian told me to pray to get through each day. i worried that i couldn’t do this a second time. that this might be it. after all these years, i pre-emptively mourned the fact of just one child.

it was a tenuous situation since i was already anxious about the viability of the pregnancy and not necessarily in a position where i was shouting the news from the rooftops yet. friends grew worried and then suspicious and some people caught on. many tried to reassure me that being severely sick was a good sign. but that theory meant nothing to me since i had been sick before with no results. others love to say, but you are sick for such a good reason! i’m sorry, but, sick is sick. one of my favorites is, at least you have an end date! which is super reassuring to hear in march that you’ll maybe feel better by the end of september.

the comment that takes the cake goes to christian. he informed me this week, after consulting his meticulous journals, that the last time he vomited was back in 1997. june 20, 1997 to be exact. what kind of freak hasn’t puked in 16 years!?!?

as the weeks gratefully turned to months i would look forward to milestones. 13 weeks. i had never been here before. perhaps 13 weeks would feel differently. it did not. 15 weeks. my doctor guessed i’d feel some relief. i did not. 20 weeks. by 20 weeks perhaps it’d all ease. it did not. and here i am at 22 weeks and still feeling the same. no renewed energy for my second trimester. some days are semi-okay while others are rougher than rough.

even though i think it is unfair (i know, i know, life isn’t fair) and i cannot fathom doing this again – when the little baby-o goes crazy practicing capoeira several times a day, i just sit and marvel at the little person who is very much alive inside me. growing off what little i actually consume and thriving.

and how the sky gets heavy when you are underneath it.

what should be a normal, exciting and celebrated experience has kind of terrified me for the past three and a half years. with two of my pregnancies i had an early initial ultrasound and saw the flashing heart. both times i called christian to say how crazy it was to see a heart. both of those times i returned weeks later for a routine appointment.

the first time i was alone. i had told christian not to leave work early. it seemed like it was the logical plan since this would just be a quick check in. my doctor put the jelly on my stomach and eagerly searched for the heart beat. the minutes that passed were long, and grew heavier with each minute. we were silent, but those minutes seemed to be screaming at me. i stared at the ceiling, telling myself that this was normal. it’s a tiny heart. obviously it’d take a minute to locate it. but i already knew something was wrong before her hushed, “i’m sorry.”

she left the room only to return moments later with a better ultrasound machine and another doctor. both women confirmed what those heavy minutes were telling me. they asked if my husband was in the waiting room. he was not. i held it together as long as i could. driving the short distance on madison from swedish to our apartment i remember hating that the radio was on as i squinted to see through my tears. with one look at my face christian hung up the phone. we only had minutes to digest what was happening before my sister came home.

that ultrasound was the death of my expectations and hopes for that first pregnancy. that ultrasound was also the death of me seeing ultrasounds as anything but terrifying. the grainy black and white pictures that pop up all over social media have haunted me. when another pregnancy progressed to the point of a 12 week ultrasound i made sure to have christian there for what i expected to be bad news. and it was.

so many ultrasounds have happened between here and there. ultrasounds to ensure that my body expelled everything after choosing the misoprostol option. ultrasounds to check my follicles. ultrasounds to check my uterus and lining. ultrasounds to show me other pregnancies that were not meant to be. and this year, ultrasounds to watch a baby.

my doctor agreed to show me the baby weekly. remembering the loneliness from years ago, my friends banded together and came with me to each appointment when christian could not. i would be anxious the entire week leading up to it. which is to say, i was always anxious. i would pray for the baby to grow, but i’d fear that it would not be there. i spoke in terms like, if the baby is still there or if everything is still okay.

the first ultrasound to slowly ease my fear came at a time when the baby looked more like an armless gummy bear, or an engorged lima bean. my doctor prodded it. and then the nondescript blob on the screen squirmed. it did a legitimate wiggle. it was the most bizarre thing i had ever seen. i couldn’t stop thinking about it. the next week the blob had grown little stubby beginnings to arms and legs.

despite all of this and the fact that i was further than i’d been before, i was nervous. it didn’t seem real. or i wasn’t letting it seem real. several people who were due when i was announced their pregnancies during this time. i envied their carefree embracing of their pregnancies. i envied the lack of heartache pregnancy caused them.

and then i had the ultrasound to trump all ultrasounds.

last friday i saw a baby, arms, legs, fingers, thumbs and all doing awesome dance moves. i couldn’t take my eyes off of it, of him. up until that very moment i doubted he was in there. and here he was. resting one hand behind his head while the other tried unsuccessfully to get his thumb in his mouth. all of this movement, this life, was going on inside me and i had no idea. i wished i could take the monitor with me and check in with him each day.

that night i was excited for the first time in 18 weeks, give or take a few years.

———–
otherside; macklemore – (remix with ryan lewis feat. fences)

tender mercies.

the same week i accepted my new calling, everything changed.

hours were spent that week on the phone with my insurance company and several clinics and specialists. probably my favorite phone call was when i asked if any of the clinic’s doctors specialized in recurrent pregnancy loss and the girl on the other end didn’t know what i was talking about. i may have hung up on her. i scheduled a specialist appointment for february and an intro meeting with lds family services.

i also complained to two friends that i’d been experiencing cramping for a week but still hadn’t had a period since my miscarriage. both raised their eyebrows and said i should go see my doctor.

after closing the door on my little urine sample i waited in the doctor’s office. before i could worry if i was facing a bigger problem my nurse, delilah, ran in. she was waving what could only be a stick that had been dipped in my pee. she jumped up and down and gleefully announced, you’re pregnant!

a shock set in that would last at least another month. i stared. mouth agape. not speaking. heart racing. fighting the urge to be happy or excited. not wanting to lose another one. hoping for this moment to be real but doubting it at the same time.

i anxiously waited the blood work… an HCG level of 13,000 in late january is much different from a 35 in early december. i saw those numbers but was not appeased. i had been at this point so many times before. positive pregnancy test. normal blood work. the flickering black and white heart beat on the screen. all to vanish in a few weeks.

my doctor seemed to think this was a cut and dry pregnancy. christian helped him see that i was beyond on edge about it and so he agreed to see me weekly through week 12. we returned home that weekend with an identical ultrasound printout to match my others. of something very small within me.

sunday, my new bishopric, along with christian, put their hands on my head to set me apart as the relief society president. the bishop offered the blessing. midway through, he was overcome with emotion. he paused, and then powerfully said the tender mercies of the lord would be with me.

the bishop didn’t know our less than 48 hour old news. no one in that room knew our news but us. christian faithfully held to those words and knew from that day on that this time would be different. it has taken me a little longer to find that confidence.

unexpected.

as we buckled in to our return flight from california a few months ago, i leaned over and smugly told christian we had dodged the bullet.

the reorganization the previous sunday of several of the congregations in our town, left our new congregation among those that were scrambling to fill volunteer positions. everything from leading entire organizations to teaching classes. we knew the bishoprics had been working quickly, hoping to make sunday run as smoothly as possible.

we landed in seattle and joined everyone around us in turning our phones back on. christian listened to his messages and then informed me that we had not dodged the bullet.

the next morning our new bishop was scheduled to meet with me. christian asked me all morning if i was nervous. i was totally the opposite of nervous. i knew i was going to be serving with the young women at church again. end of story. i was pretty confident of this fact. i was the only available leader from our previous congregation that transferred to the new one with our handful of girls. it was a no brainer. still, christian insisted that even though i had never said no to a church responsibility that maybe, if i had doubts, i should say no. i thought he was acting crazy.

when the bishop finally asked if i would serve as the president of our women’s auxiliary (relief society) i thought he had some how said the wrong thing. or maybe he was at the wrong house. i remember asking him repeatedly if he was joking. when i saw the look on christian’s face i realized this was no joke, and christian’s earlier admonitions to be nervous had been justified.

like with all callings that are extended, this bishop that i had just met asked if i would accept the responsibility.

my mind was blank but racing at the same time. there must be someone more qualified, i thought. wasn’t there someone older? or someone who loved relief society at least? if i am being perfectly honest, i can tell you that no one really wants to be the relief society president. i’d much rather teach sunday school or be on the party planning committee. wait, mormons don’t have party planning committees? we totally should.

while i had this internal conversation the bishop waited patiently. and then a voice gently reminded me of the following. you just quit your job. you don’t have kids. you need to stop thinking about yourself.

while the first statements were true, the last one kind of slapped me. i would have gladly volunteered at a school or something. anything, but this? this is clearly not what i had planned. i had quit my job the week before our california trip. and this week i had planned to find a new job, preferably with fertility coverage, find a new doctor, preferably a specialist, set up an intro appointment with lds family services to discuss adoption, and if there was time i felt like i needed to find myself a counselor.

but i didn’t tell the bishop any of this. i simply said yes. yes, i would voluntarily serve as the relief society president. i would minister to the women in my care. i would attend meetings. i would teach. i would plan and organize. i would bear burdens. i would try not to complain. i would learn to love them.

as president i would need to pick two counselors and a secretary. the bishop asked for me to let him know who i picked in the next few days so that the other women could be called and we could all be announced together the following sunday. i told the bishop i only knew half of the congregation since a half of each of ours had been put together. he said he didn’t know my half so we were even.

that was just the first day of one very wild week.

flirt.

you know the kid who chases you at recess? or teases you relentlessly? he’s the one who actually likes you. but you don’t ever realize that in the moment.

christian loves to tease me about my television choices. when he isn’t pestering me about ncis he is egging me on about my favorite detectives on psych. just this week he riled me up by referring to psych as scrubs. he claims it’s essentially the same show complete with identical plots and characters. lassiter is to kelso as jules is to elliot as gus is to turk as jd is to shawn.

then today i get this text showing all kinds of false concern over the well-being of my psych friends:

and then i remembered, that before he was my husband, he was my “friend” in seattle who would email me. about the oc. i would look for his emails in the middle of the night at my tv station and play along.

On 8/22/05, J Christian wrote:
question: do you want the OC dvds? i finished watching them. comments: i hate oliver. what a punk. discrepancy: weren’t they juniors during the first season? so that would make them seniors the second season but they’re still in high school in season 3. what’s up with that? question: how can jimmy just forget everything julie did and take her back? i mean, she got around while they were separated, including with a highschooler. plus, she had no good reason to divorce him in the first place. why does he want her back? question: did marisa kill trey? he looked dead in the finale. question: will they find traces of the sleeping pills julie put in caleb’s drink? i hope she gets what’s coming to her. question: how can ryan just forget that marisa was a lesbian for a few weeks? christian

On 8/23/05, robin marie wrote:now to your OC inquiries: yes i would like the dvds… that is unless you have become far too attached to them. let’s just say i can match anyone else’s offer. oliver – yes he is a lame-o dork and i was thoroughly annoyed with marissa during all of that. school year… hmmm… i hadn’t thought about it. i guess they should have been seniors, huh? i wonder what will happen in season three!? i guess we’ll find out soon. jimmy – i guess he’s just hopelessly in love with the woman he married… except for when he’s hitting it with haley or kissing kiersten. trey – yes he looked dead… it was quite dramatic with the slow-mo effects… that’s the big cliff hanger. we don’t know. sleeping pills/caleb/julie- yikes. i don’t know. that would be a problem. all i know is that imogen heap was singing as they drove to the funeral and i’m going to see her tomorrow!!! lesbian issues – doesn’t that somehow turn guys on? robin

On 9/29/05 J Christian wrote:
i knew it!! i called charlotte scamming kiki for money. and i called dean hess working it with taylor townsend which will lead to his dismissal and the reinstatement of marisa and ryan. too easy. what are the odds julie cooper kills herself??

On 9/29/05, J Christian wrote: don’t read my email with the subject “the oc”!!!!
sorry, i forgot you probably didn’t see this week’s yet. if you read the email i sent earlier it will ruin the plots for you!!!

On 9/30/05, robin marie wrote:
wow. yes i saw it tonight…. but i didn’t see last week’s so i’m still slightly confused! how did kirsten get home?! how did ryan get back inprivate school?! where did jimmy go!?!?

On 10/3/05, J Christian wrote:
do you find it funny that your little sisters don’t watch the OC bc they think it’s a bad show and yet you, the big sister, is a stalker fan??

On 10/5/05, robin marie wrote: my little sisters are also the girls who think maury povich, dr. phil and divorce court are funny shows that should be watched often… and “stalker” fan? now that just makes me sound creepy…. it’s not like i dress up in mischa barton’s outfits and dance with a life size photo of benjamin mckenzie….

On 11/8/05, J Christian wrote:
i finally watched last week’s episode today. i told you it’s the same story every time!!! ryan or marisa does something stupid to make the other one mad, they fix it and make up, and then the other one does something. ahhh!!! how can marisa all of a sudden ditch ryan for johnny????? never fear, it’ll be fixed in a few episodes!!!! i’m excited for lost tomorrow, though.
christian

On 11/9/05, robin marie wrote:
whine whine whine… you sure are a fair weathered oc watcher… i guess if you’re okay with that, then sobeit. go watch the crazy lost show that just keeps getting weirder by the minute!

On 11/9/05, J Christian wrote:
come on, you know it’s true!!!!! every character is so predictable!!!!! ryan’s going to punch someone by the end of the season, guaranteed. i predict that marisa will go for johnny, ryan will try to get back at her by going for some girl who will probably be johnny’s cousin or marisa’s little sister or something. i’m curious about charlotte, though. since she’s  scam artist i don’t know how exactly she is buying this condo for julie…kiki and sandy will get in a fight, probably sandy will do something stupid this time, but they’ll get over it. and the writers are about to screw with seth and summer bc things are a little boring with them right now. although i do like it how they stuck it to taylor townsend.

On 11/9/05, robin marie wrote:
even after all of that HS drama… i’m still a ryan girl… and i definitely HEART chino.

On 4/5/06, J Christian wrote:
are you still watching the OC? i’ve been reading the summaries on the fox website. i can’t believe johnny died!! marisa is such a punk. what a problem child. i heard that seth and summer are  going to have some rocky times soon. and i also heard that the season finale will be huge and shocking. christian

On 4/4/06, robin marie wrote:
i missed two episodes somewhere in there last month because i was moving etc. but i saw the most recent two and wow oh wow. yes johnny died and yes marissa is a drunk (and apparently a coke addict) again. she is also dating mr. slimy that started dating johnny’s girlfriend, remember? ryan has a new flame (randomly johnny’s cousin?!) and sandy has some shady stuff going down at the job. you’ll just have to get the dvds like you did last time. just try not to remind your mom that i’m the reason for the addiction. robin

and that, is apparently how you get a husband.

we are young.

if you ever want to be reminded that you are, perhaps, no longer as young as you like to think, step in to a zumiez.

that’s what leslie and i did one chilly, early january morning. we got to the outlets when they opened at 10am that saturday. right along with all the other senior citizens.

i was on a mission to find warm beanies and leggings for my sister rachel getting buried by snow in rexburg. i had done my research the night before online and had some good beanies picked out. we stepped in to the empty skate shop feeling pretty hip. leslie with her orange chuck taylors, me with my classic black ones. i was even wearing skinny jeans. shopping at zumiez in your mid-30s? piece of cake.

the eager sales kid asked if he could help us. i told him i was looking for 18-year-old-college-girl-warm-beanies. he thought that was a funny description.  he asked me how she dressed. i said converse, skinny jeans, graphic tees, hoodies – basically she dresses like a zumiez model. he pointed out some knitted things that looked more like a hobo accessory than something to keep my sister’s head and ears warm. i decided to stick with the beanies i found online.

at check out i asked if they had a triple a discount. totally not a cool thing to ask. the kid looked super confused. he asked his manager. no triple a discount. which makes sense. i don’t think too many triple a subscribers are stocking up on skate and snowboard gear. the kid did his obligatory pitch for a zumiez card – i declined.

we turned to be on our way but he called after me. hey, said the 20-something sales kid, you’re like the only person who has an awesome dmv picture! nice job!

and with that leslie and i barely made it out of that store before we died laughing.

———————–
love is a battlefield, pat benatar

valentine.

we didn’t do a very good job of spacing out our celebrations. one month after our anniversary is my birthday. and a week after that is valentines. christian’s birthday hangs out all alone at the end of summer.

early on christian warned me of his anti-valentine’s day sentiments. but little surprises always appear. that very first valentines i was gifted my favorite little jars. they are from a hardware store in madison valley. we always made a point to window shop there on our walks down to lake washington.  now they sit in a little window sill.

last month we went to our friend’s annual dance party and i was struck with what a difference 17 years can make.

just this month there was a big student government reunion that i was sad to miss. our high school hasn’t pulled off an actual reunion yet (we can always hope for our 20th, right? right?) i realized that of anyone i wanted to see from high school it was mostly my stugo friends and connections. so this student government one was kind of a big deal.

my senior year i was a student body officer. i was well aware of all the prom plans but did not have a date. i remember “dress shopping” with some friends at the biltmore. the shopping is in quotes because while they were legitimately dress hunting, i was just tagging along. i did not have money for an expensive dress and i did not have a date. but that didn’t stop me from trying on a deep purple $440 dress at the nicole miller store.

i brought my mom back so she could sketch it in the dressing room. luckily we stumbled upon the actual pattern. my mom made that dress for $40. but i still didn’t have a date. i ended up calling my friend from church who happened to be our rival high school’s mascot. he agreed to take me to my prom. i drove my grandma’s boat of a car. i don’t remember much else about that night, other than the fact that i really loved my dress.

so here we were 17 years later getting ready for this dance party. i suggested we wear matching shirts and go as a “sadie’s hawkins” dance theme. christian was wary of this plan. mostly because to effectively pull it off we needed matching braided belts. switching gears i told him to put on a suit. we will be prom! i said. but what dress will you wear? he asked a little unsure. my prom dress. i stated matter-of-factly.

i made sure his shirt and tie coordinated well with my dress. luckily he reminded me we needed corsages. i made us some purple tissue paper flowers. and that night, in that dress, i was glad that i didn’t have some amazing date for my senior prom. i was glad it kind of sucked. because this, well, even 17 years later, this made up for that and then some.

 

 

 

heart biscuits for my valentine on the actual night.
he spent it in class while i probably watched the food network.