this time last year i was getting my sister checked in to college and christian was building a wall in the back yard. i flew back to seattle with a night to unpack and repack for our trip to italy the next day.
it was a trip we often talked about over the years. christian served his mission in rome and had been able to return to italy many times. he had not been since our marriage and i had never been to italy. every time we’d discuss a possible italian adventure we’d shoot it down for being frivolous. later, i was non-committal and worried since my pregnancies were unpredictable. i feared that perhaps i’d be pregnant and severely ill on our trip. i didn’t want to be miserable my first time in italy.
and so, we dragged our feet. until last year.
after a long span of no pregnancies even with clomid and my dreaded 35th birthday looming in the future, i was pretty distraught. let’s just do it, we decided. let’s go to italy.
and we did.
it was wonderful. i did not want to leave, like, ever. i felt at home. i loved the food, the people, the history. more importantly, i truly believed a miracle would happen on that trip. i more than hoped, i expected that we’d be having a baby nine months later.
i especially felt that way while visiting the vatican.
upon entering st. peter’s basilica the women were asked to have their shoulders and legs covered. to the right was michelangelo’s pietà and above the massive domed ceiling. there was a reverence. there was a quiet. there was the spirit.
before leaving we sat, heads bowed, and i prayed. i prayed for a baby. i prayed specifically for a baby right then, on that trip. i haven’t ever been one to bargain with or challenge god. but in that moment, it felt right. i expected everything to work as i requested.
two weeks after we returned home my period started.
over the years several friends have asked if i have ever been angry with god. i honestly have not. i have felt at times forgotten, or perhaps unjustly dealt with but i have not blamed god or turned away from god. last fall i felt more that the situation just seemed so incredibly unfair. i prayed for a baby and there would not be one. again.
two months later i would be pregnant and miscarry again.
one month later i would be pregnant and remain pregnant.
timing is definitely a strange thing. here i am about to have a baby just one year after that prayer in rome. i finally realize that vatican prayer was answered. just not how i had expected.