testimonies.

i was informed by my mom last night that my sister rachel is still alive and kicking.

sunday, being the first sunday of the month was “fast” sunday. as mormons we dedicate ourselves to fasting and prayer, skipping two meals and giving the money we would have spent on that food to fast offerings. then during the sacrament meeting portion of church services, it is basically open mic for those who would like to share their feelings and testimonies. and boy was it OPEN mic.

sunday morning my mom placed a note on the fridge that said, “rejoice and fast!” much to the dismay of my younger siblings. rachel being most disturbed at the prospect of not eating her cereal grumpily complained to my mom who quickly explained the importance of “dedicating” your fast to something – an idea which rachel took to. the wheels in her precocious brain began turning.

fast forward to sacrament meeting. rachel expressed her desire to go up and “bare her testimony.” my parents were slightly wary, asking if she “was sure she wanted to” and if she was “really going to bare her testimony.” rachel was adamant that she would be going up to the pulpit.

rachel went up, grabbed the mic and smiled at the congregation. scattered, polite laughter (after all rachel is really cute – no one knows that she is the spawn of satan!) and then she began,

“i am dedicating my fast today to my sister robin. i want her to be happy and find a husband and get married.”

after the shock drained from my parents’ faces and the chuckles of the church members subsided, rachel just grinned at everyone. my mom, in a loud whisper/hiss, about three pews back, started demanding that rachel “bare her TESTIMONY.” and my dad started doing cut throat motions for rachel to vacate the pulpit. rachel leaned into the mic and said, “what? … huh?”

then rachel continued with her dedicated fast & testimony, “you know i don’t know what’s wrong with robin. she’s really pretty. i don’t know what her problem is! in the name of jesus christ, amen.”

uproarious laughter followed as well as many comments to my parents and several offers to take rachel home. i kind of like that idea. can you sell little sisters on ebay? so just a heads up, if i suddenly become engaged & married within some abnormally crazy (even for mormons) amount of time, just remember; i am really pretty, and the faith of tiny people can be enormous.

For Sale
By Shel Silverstein

One sister for sale!
One sister for sale!
One crying and spying young sister for sale!
I’m really not kidding,
So who will start the bidding?
Do I hear a dollar?
A nickle?
A penny?
Oh, isn’t there, isn’t there, isn’t there any
One kid who will buy this old sister for sale,
This crying and spying young sister for sale?

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