a lot of situations trap us. pressing and potentially long term decisions suck the air out of us. sometimes our very actions corner us. other times what traps us is purely emotional. anxiety, fear and depression serve as dead ends, yielding feelings of desperation.
last week as i removed my jewelry and laid on top of the crinkly tissue paper the sensation began. it was my second time being weighed down by the heavy x-ray vests. my second time having my head secured in place and my second time being mechanically raised up and then fed to the CT machine.
the whole scan is shockingly quick. so quick that i shouldn’t even worry. but i do. the lights that spin faster and faster. the whirring sound. the intense feeling that i am trapped.
friendly faces behind the counter attempt to soothe. i, un-soothed, focus on the exit, then the cross walk, then the parking garage stairs.
the cat scans began 6 months ago. it was precautionary since i was having such frequent and severe headaches. after the first scan the office called with the results. when talking to a doctor’s office you don’t ever want the sentence to start with, “we’ve found…”
time stood still. i couldn’t breathe. it turns out they only found a benign cyst in my brain and those are apparently very common and very harmless. it still felt and feels unnerving. christian thought if i named it i’d feel better about the situation. cys(t)co is still there, i just don’t feel as trapped.