usually my fortunes read more like ambiguous well wishes that could be meant for anyone depending on how you interpret it. that night, eating that chocolate dipped fortune cookie i felt like it was meant just for me.
that same day bossman emailed my office to tell them i was leaving after more than five years. my last day was may 4th.
for a little while only bossman and christian were aware of my plans. i remember the day i made my decision i felt like it was right. i felt calm. until the night. kneeling at our bed i began to cry. i felt scared. i felt myself forgetting how i had felt that afternoon and focusing only on the unknown before me.
it reminded me of my all time favorite talk by my favorite apostle, elder jeffrey r. holland. he focuses on the good decisions we make and the importance for us to remember the feeling we have at the time of those decisions and not second guess ourselves.
“i wish to encourage every one of us regarding the opposition that so often comes after enlightened decisions have been made, after moments of revelation and conviction have given us a peace and an assurance we thought we would never lose.” (elder jeffrey r. holland; cast not away therefore your confidence, byu devotional, march 9, 1999)
this idea can be found when joseph smith prays in the sacred grove. as soon as he begins that prayer he is seized by a dark power, threatening him. he pushes through. he prays on, and sees an amazing vision.
in similar fashion moses communes with god face to face. his eyes are opened. he knows who he is in the grand scheme of things when he is confronted by satan. he fights on declaring that he is not a son of man, but a son of god.
i love the poetic and beautiful invitation of paul:
it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living god. but call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions... cast not away therefore your confidence… for ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of god, ye might receive the promise… we are not of them who draw back unto perdition, but of them that believe to the saving of the soul. (hebrews 10)
elder holland talks about the process of personal revelation and how questions will come when we are seeking answers. he reminds us that we need not fear because He will help us.
lest ye think i am joining the ranks of those who have seen great visions, i am not. i am just a person who made a hard decision. but that is the beauty of what elder holland is teaching. this process, this promise, extends to all of us. the mighty prophets as well as the poor in spirit.
my last few weeks at work were really stressful. i wanted to organize as much as possible. i wanted to get all the information in my brain into a handbook of sorts. i spent my last week training every day and came home completely exhausted. i was worried i wouldn’t be able to accomplish everything i needed to and when may 4th came i had to be confident with my effort and let it be.
it was also very emotional. more so than i expected it to be. my coworkers showered me with love and unexpected gifts. bossman even gave me a jewish deli cook book (laktes here i come!) my last meeting turned into a robin celebration filled with mexican cokes, cupcakes and shared thoughts.
the day was topped off with a quatro de mayo lunch. and yes, bossman told them it was my birthday. look who got to wear the sombrero!