lunch break.

a lot of life can be hard.

we all have our different hurdles to clear. sometimes it takes us a few attempts but we get there. and even when we run off with the conquered hurdles far behind us, those same obstacles can sneak back onto our path. waiting to trip us up.

last month we went on a church camp out. like so many things, it reminded me. so at this year’s camp out i was thinking about my absence at the previous one. we didn’t make it to last year’s because i was pregnant and sick and my sister rachel wasn’t thrilled about the idea.

there we were, with our tent set up and our foil dinners cooking, all the dads playing football and the moms feeding kids and i kind of snapped at christian. crying, i dove into the tent for cover and zipped it closed as he walked away. he came back a few minutes later and poked his head in.

are you sad because you’re thinking about babies? he asked.

his gentle understanding relieved me. he encouraged me like he has a million times to keep trying my best.

i am trying. but the past little while has been hard. the gloom comes in waves.

it came as july 8th passed and with it an entire year since i was pregnant last.

it came last week when i turned 34 and a half.

it came when i was picking out a paint color for the empty baby room.

it comes when i nightly take my baby aspirin, folic acid and prenatal vitamin and realize the costco size bottles are more empty than full.

it mostly comes when i am perfectly still in my bed at night.

i’ve completed three cycles of clomid and have one more to go. i’m not sure what comes next even though everyone keeps asking me. the unknown makes me anxious.

today, i took my lunch break in an empty break room. i’ve been having some pain and discomfort and wanted to check if it could be a side effect of the clomid so i called my doctor’s office. i was half way through leaving my message with all my vital information when one of the production guys walked in.

me: … i was just wondering if…

[enter random man]

me: …ur, … um, … if, well, my symptoms are, … well,

[random man slows his stride and makes eye contact]

me: … are typical. give me a call, thanks.

of all the timing it was pretty hilarious. he came back through and said, “so what symptoms are you having?” i joked that my medication was making me postal. then i told him the truth – that i was on fertility medicine and not feeling too swell.

instead of asking a million questions, giving me advice or just being plain awkward he gave me his “don’t have kids” speech. his speech was a good one. i could tell he’s rehearsed and presented it many times before. kind of a funny topic though coming from a guy with three kids. the random lunch break man doth protest too much, methinks.

by then my lunch break was over and i realized he had changed how i was feeling. don’t worry, his speech wasn’t that convincing.


10 thoughts on “lunch break.

  1. I wish your blog was around when i was going through some of this stuff. You articulate it so much better than i ever could. Keep on, keepin’ on, my friend.

  2. I came across your blog after your Segullah guest post, and have visited it several times since. So much of what you write speaks SO deeply to my heart.

    I felt like I was going to cry when I finished my first bottle of prenatal vitamins. It seemed like such a tangible evidence of just how hopeless everything was, especially since most of my friends had probably never made it halfway through a bottle before.

    My story has since taken some unexpected (and hopefully, happy) turns. I feel guilty in the same breath as happy. And even though the situation is different, I find it hard to feel surrounded by mothers. My first visit to my OB, I felt tears pricking at my eyes seeing all those pregnant bellies. It’s hard to heal from all of those hurts overnight.

  3. I love how direct Christian’s question was. So sweet. I’m glad Production Man didn’t change your mind. It’s your turn, Robin. Love you.

  4. I think it’s awesome that you still went camping anyways, I would not have had the courage. For me it’s the Halloween party, the two times I was pregnant last it was on Halloween and I went to those parties both happy and fearful, and then both times I lost the babies. So, if the miracle of miracles happens and I get pregnant on Halloween again, I am not going to that party. I too don’t like the side effects of clomid, after 3-4 cycles I finally gave up as the cysts I got from it felt like they were going to make my ovaries explode, goodness! This new drug I am taking has no noticable side effects so I keep pressing on, even though I am way close to donating all my baby cothes to a friend that is having a baby next month, five years it too long to hold on to baby clothes, right? I really hope and pray you get pregnant soon and KEEP the baby! Wishing you lots of luck and a miracle coming your way!

  5. I hate making doctor calls during business hours. You know that’s the time they’re most likely to pick up, but that’s usually when you’re out in public, too. I’ve made a couple of calls on campus or at work, and it’s always awkward talking about your whatever when somebody walks in on you. >.>

    God bless.

  6. Love you. Just wondering, based on your baby aspirin comment, if an article I researched and wrote might be any help at all. I’ll email you. xo.

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