a lot of life can be hard.
we all have our different hurdles to clear. sometimes it takes us a few attempts but we get there. and even when we run off with the conquered hurdles far behind us, those same obstacles can sneak back onto our path. waiting to trip us up.
last month we went on a church camp out. like so many things, it reminded me. so at this year’s camp out i was thinking about my absence at the previous one. we didn’t make it to last year’s because i was pregnant and sick and my sister rachel wasn’t thrilled about the idea.
there we were, with our tent set up and our foil dinners cooking, all the dads playing football and the moms feeding kids and i kind of snapped at christian. crying, i dove into the tent for cover and zipped it closed as he walked away. he came back a few minutes later and poked his head in.
are you sad because you’re thinking about babies? he asked.
his gentle understanding relieved me. he encouraged me like he has a million times to keep trying my best.
i am trying. but the past little while has been hard. the gloom comes in waves.
it came as july 8th passed and with it an entire year since i was pregnant last.
it came last week when i turned 34 and a half.
it came when i was picking out a paint color for the empty baby room.
it comes when i nightly take my baby aspirin, folic acid and prenatal vitamin and realize the costco size bottles are more empty than full.
it mostly comes when i am perfectly still in my bed at night.
i’ve completed three cycles of clomid and have one more to go. i’m not sure what comes next even though everyone keeps asking me. the unknown makes me anxious.
today, i took my lunch break in an empty break room. i’ve been having some pain and discomfort and wanted to check if it could be a side effect of the clomid so i called my doctor’s office. i was half way through leaving my message with all my vital information when one of the production guys walked in.
me: … i was just wondering if…
[enter random man]
me: …ur, … um, … if, well, my symptoms are, … well,
[random man slows his stride and makes eye contact]
me: … are typical. give me a call, thanks.
of all the timing it was pretty hilarious. he came back through and said, “so what symptoms are you having?” i joked that my medication was making me postal. then i told him the truth – that i was on fertility medicine and not feeling too swell.
instead of asking a million questions, giving me advice or just being plain awkward he gave me his “don’t have kids” speech. his speech was a good one. i could tell he’s rehearsed and presented it many times before. kind of a funny topic though coming from a guy with three kids. the random lunch break man doth protest too much, methinks.
by then my lunch break was over and i realized he had changed how i was feeling. don’t worry, his speech wasn’t that convincing.