but suddenly now, i know where i belong.

i pass over two sets of tracks twice a day.

since quitting my job in may i have been working part time at pier 1. a few weeks ago a friend from church had an opportunity at her company. they needed someone to jump in quickly. it’s a good fit for now, and it is full time work, so my little house projects can now press on. my commute is pretty dreamy – with the exception of the train tracks i cross over daily. i really love trains though, so sometimes i’m glad i get stuck behind the flashing red lights.

i was never one to have bad cramps, but i’ve heard pregnancy can change your cycles. and mine have definitely been altered over the past two years. they are much more painful and bring migraines and nausea and just all around miserableness. the week is also a fairly emotional one for me. this last week i started clomid for the 4th and maybe last time.

friday night after my new job i was scheduled to work a maybe shift at pier 1. not realizing that, christian had planned for us to go to the temple. all day long i walked around with a little silent prayer. i pleaded with the lord to please let me not be needed. i felt pretty confident that he could answer this prayer. which was a significant feeling for me since i sometimes struggle with the whole prayers and answers idea.

i know god is there. i know he lives and listens. but i also know that our prayers are answered in his time and i have resolved that some of my life-long prayers may not be granted in this life. even so, i pressed on in my urgent messages heavenward. when i refilled my water bottle i took a minute to plead with him. when i finished a task i made my request again. i really felt like that night, i needed to be in the temple.

i nervously dialed pier 1 to find out if i needed to report in two hours for work – but deep down i knew i was going to the temple.

and we did.

it was such a little thing. a small prayer, uttered in desperation amid months, turning in to years, of me not being very strong and sometimes not as faithful or happy as i should be. and yet, it was answered. i couldn’t ignore the little miracle that he had wrought on my ordinary friday.

there has been much talk of mormons and our temples. my religion is something that i outwardly show very willingly. i am open about it and have answered many questions from my friends. i also worship privately and part of that includes temple worship as well as wearing garments which remind me of the promises i have made.

“In addition to regular Sunday worship, Latter-days Saints also follow the biblical practice of worshipping in temples. The Church operates 138 temples throughout the world. By comparison, there are over 17,000 chapels for Sunday worship services. Latter-day Saints believe that temples are the most sacred places on earth — sanctuaries from the distractions and commotion of life. The temple is a place where the most cherished of human relationships are made eternal. Accordingly, it is only fitting and appropriate that the lives of those who worship there reflect that sacredness. Thus, unlike regular Sunday worship, to which all are invited, temple worship is set aside for Latter-day Saints who observe the basic principles of the faith.” (LDS Newsroom; Explaining Mormon Worship Services.)

friday night before we left for the temple i was talking to my really good friend about the temple. she is dealing with her own pain and struggles. she wanted to know if the temple brings me the solace i seek. honestly, i told her that more often than not, i leave feeling as confused and lost as when i entered. it’s not like a lightening bolt strikes and i have my answer. but while there, i always feel the tanglible manifestation that god loves me. that i am important to him. that he is there and listening. that, for me, is enough.

mesa arizona lds temple: december 29, 2006

———-
train song, by feist & ben gibbard

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9 thoughts on “but suddenly now, i know where i belong.

  1. I am glad someone else feels the same way after I go to the temple. Granted, it varies , I do feel loved but I don’t feel like He and I are a room apart and he’s just telling me the answers as opposed to a one-sided long distance call (as with prayer). In fact, the closest thing I got to having a prayer answered in the temple, was praying if it was the right thing to make the decision to have another baby and feeling such despair that I sobbed and sobbed for no reason (turns out it wasn’t time for us to raise that child (I was already unknowingly a few days pregnant)).

  2. Oh, I love your wedding pictures. It was such a happy day.

    The temple always helps me remember that in repetition we can find the divine. Which is good because there is a lot of repetition in my life!

  3. I loved this post, Robin! This makes me really want to visit the temple, which is quite the ordeal for many reasons one being that the closest temple is 3 hours away and another being that I work on weekends.

  4. hi, robin. ben mud’s lil sis here. i happened upon your blog through bemanda or “oh pepper” a few years back. i appreciate your candid and thoughtful posts. (i’m so glad we share a special friend in mn, too)

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