how did you end up here?

i spend lots of time these days researching.

google search after google search using different search terms. ovulation. fertility. infertility. miscarriage. multiple miscarriages. clomid and abdominal pain.  follicles. clomid and follicles. grief. how to not be upset when your period starts. support groups.

i read articles and scan forums. the majority of which are laden with acronyms used by this population that are foreign to me. making me feel like i don’t belong there.

just yesterday i filled a page with all the things i should or shouldn’t be eating and doing and thinking and drinking. it was exhausting. and overwhelming.

when my head is filled with all the tips and statistics and admonitions from people who have been there and now have their babies – i am seized with unfounded fears.

fear that i have been doing something wrong for the past three years. fear that somehow this is my fault and if i could just fix the thing i’m doing wrong it would all be better. fear that i haven’t done enough. been aggressive enough. pursued enough. fear that i will be bumped into the “advanced maternal age” category in four months. fear that if i finally get a baby, and that is the only baby for me, i’ll be crushed to have just one.

sometimes i take a break and read people.com but the celebrity baby trend attacks my emotions. every other update is some un-newsworthy somebody writing about their baby or toddler or pregnancy. did you know kate and william want two kids? and some reality star whose baby is 5 seconds old says she wants another?

i can manage most days without being overcome with what is lacking. but it only takes one lesson on sunday, teaching the youth about leadership. harmless you’d think. but the focus for the girls shifted to when they become mothers and are given the most important responsibility god can give them. the sickness starts in my stomach and i stop listening. i try to remember if this is what i was taught growing up. if my whole existence was focused on that one defining role i am not yet fulfilling.

the fear shakes me most when there is mention of the atonement, christ’s grace. of laying our desires on His altar and then accepting His will.

i am stubborn. i am resisting. i am not ready to approach that alter. i am clutching too tightly my desires. i am scared of His will.

today my co-worker was asking about when i had been a reporter. you know, that other life? he asked a little incredulously, “well how did you end up here?!”

i think many of us are surprised by where we have ended up; shocked by the path we have taken. wondering daily if we are living up to the life we were meant to live.

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11 thoughts on “how did you end up here?

  1. It amazes me that even though you are not physically mothering a child right now that you still posses all of the divine qualities of a mother, I hear it in your tenderness and your nurturing nature. Sometimes I feel that I am somehow behind in mothering even though I have kids because I somehow do not possess some magical qualities that would seriously be helpful.

  2. Your writing is always so beautiful. Your blog moves me. I have almost entirely given up blog reading, but I still return to your blog for every single new post. I will be heartbroken if there ever comes a time when I don’t get to read your writing several times a week. You are in my prayers regularly. I wish I could help more or at least have something better to say.

  3. This post resonates so deeply with me. I have always, ALWAYS struggled with accepting His will and giving my own up to him. This morning when somebody quoted Christ’s prayer in Gethsemane in conference – “Not my will, but thine be done” – I felt that stab of guilt again. Am I willing and ready to give up my will completely to His? I don’t know. After my own several years of waiting for a baby, I am halfway through a pregnancy right now and the worst thing I could possibly imagine would be for something to happen to this precious, long-awaited child. Could I give my will (“have a healthy baby next spring”) to His? I don’t know.

    I don’t “know” you, but I’ve been following your blog since your post on Segullah, and so many of your words are beautifully describing the feelings and anguish I have felt myself. I hope you’ll accept the prayers of this stranger…

    (Oh, and my Google was inundated with those searches too. The cruelest irony was Facebook – whenever I would message friends about my longing for a baby, I would get ads popping up for baby clothes and supplies that just about broke my heart.)

    1. Thank you Cindy. I’m glad to have you along! And I’m grateful to know I’m not alone. A few years ago I felt completely alone in this – but when I started talking about it more I found many others! Thank you for your kind thoughts.

      1. It’s awfully easy to feel alone, especially in the LDS culture. I have lived in Idaho and Utah for my whole marriage thus far… nearly everyone I know has gotten pregnant (and then done so again and again!!!) at the drop of a hat, exactly when they wanted to. It can feel terribly isolating.

  4. So glad I’m not the only one reading People.com, only to find out that Hollywood is as obsessed with babies as I am! I obviously also relate to the difficult, seemingly impossible thing of giving up my will. I think that has been the story of this year for me (from the angle of trying not to be crushed that I’ll have only one baby). This weekend we talked about adopting a 5-year-old in a couple of years and I didn’t even break down in tears and retract all the times I had agreed that adoption was the only route to having another child — I only thought about retracting all that acceptance I am working so hard at. That’s progress, right?

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