i spend lots of time these days researching.
google search after google search using different search terms. ovulation. fertility. infertility. miscarriage. multiple miscarriages. clomid and abdominal pain. follicles. clomid and follicles. grief. how to not be upset when your period starts. support groups.
i read articles and scan forums. the majority of which are laden with acronyms used by this population that are foreign to me. making me feel like i don’t belong there.
just yesterday i filled a page with all the things i should or shouldn’t be eating and doing and thinking and drinking. it was exhausting. and overwhelming.
when my head is filled with all the tips and statistics and admonitions from people who have been there and now have their babies – i am seized with unfounded fears.
fear that i have been doing something wrong for the past three years. fear that somehow this is my fault and if i could just fix the thing i’m doing wrong it would all be better. fear that i haven’t done enough. been aggressive enough. pursued enough. fear that i will be bumped into the “advanced maternal age” category in four months. fear that if i finally get a baby, and that is the only baby for me, i’ll be crushed to have just one.
sometimes i take a break and read people.com but the celebrity baby trend attacks my emotions. every other update is some un-newsworthy somebody writing about their baby or toddler or pregnancy. did you know kate and william want two kids? and some reality star whose baby is 5 seconds old says she wants another?
i can manage most days without being overcome with what is lacking. but it only takes one lesson on sunday, teaching the youth about leadership. harmless you’d think. but the focus for the girls shifted to when they become mothers and are given the most important responsibility god can give them. the sickness starts in my stomach and i stop listening. i try to remember if this is what i was taught growing up. if my whole existence was focused on that one defining role i am not yet fulfilling.
the fear shakes me most when there is mention of the atonement, christ’s grace. of laying our desires on His altar and then accepting His will.
i am stubborn. i am resisting. i am not ready to approach that alter. i am clutching too tightly my desires. i am scared of His will.
today my co-worker was asking about when i had been a reporter. you know, that other life? he asked a little incredulously, “well how did you end up here?!”
i think many of us are surprised by where we have ended up; shocked by the path we have taken. wondering daily if we are living up to the life we were meant to live.