normal.

we don’t really pay attention to the inner-workings of our bodies until something goes wrong.

my sister probably didn’t ever think about the regeneration of skin until after her first of many skin grafts. likewise, the majority of babies are made without really giving the science of it a second thought.

my friend’s little boy has been very curious about exactly that. how babies are made and how they get out. when you start really thinking about all the details it is all at once miraculous as well as not so romantical.

after so many anxiously awaited test results it is always a relief when i am told that everything looks normal, above average even, and super healthy! several doctors and doctor friends have expressed all the reasons why the position i am in is a good one, and that they are certain, even if i am not, of eventual full term pregnancy.

while all of those statements are encouraging, they can also be definitively stifling. where do you go from normal?

the beginning of this journey nearly three years ago seemed to be going as planned with a relatively quick pregnancy. like with asia’s skin, i didn’t think about what was happening inside of me. with the shock of miscarriage part of me felt at that time that it was just a fluke. i tried to believe the commonness in that experience of which everyone wanted to remind me. i felt, and still feel, robbed of that first pregnancy experience. there were pregnancy tests and ultrasounds – but none that i got to share. or celebrate. that turn in the road began my focus on what exactly goes in to the whole birds and the bees scenario.

i think about this process/trial/situation/desire repeatedly every day. i don’t mind talking about it. following my second miscarriage one year from the first i have tried to be very open about all of this. especially because in the beginning i felt completely and utterly isolated. i thought i was alone in this. once i spoke up i found that i was not.

sometimes i am tired of talking about it – but if someone asks, like my sister did last month, i don’t mind filling her in.

clearly i’m very well-informed as to my lady parts. thank goodness for asia and her ability to use wikipedia. like every other test thus far my follicles were normal and healthy. which is great, except, i’m still not pregnant.

asia has suggested repeatedly that i get a dog. every time i laugh and remind her that i would not want to pet it, smell it, walk it, clean up after it, etc. to which she says, “yeah, you probably should stick with babies.”

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7 thoughts on “normal.

  1. When we were getting ready to have Malynn, Morgan asked us “So, where does the doctor put the shovel?” Eh?! I’m not sure how he envisioned a shovel being used. I don’t think I want to know.
    I agree. Don’t get a dog.

  2. I do remember that you are not particularly fond of dogs. And I LOVE to hear about your goings-ons . That is not an exaggeration- you are my friend and I want to hear about WHATEVER is going on wit-ya. Mostly because when you do get a baby- I want to be right there excited wit-ya. In the meantime, I’ll wait wit-ya (why is that so fun to say?).

  3. I’m rooting for you Robs! I think the Lord must just want to help Christian keep all his unopened Lego boxes safe;). Thanks for sharing. You are in my prayers. Lots of love from good ole’ Utar.

  4. My younger sister struggled with infertility for about 5 years. She went through many many miscarriages and had many subsequent tests performed. For a while they told her everything was normal for her and also her husband. She was so confused. Finally, they found the right doctor who discovered that she had something called Thrombophilia which prevented her from being able to carry a baby full-term. With the aid of in-vitro (and many medications and daily injections), she was able to get pregnant with twins and carry (one) baby full-term. It was a long painful road, but she got there.

    She always used to tell me that it helped her to know that there were others out there going through similar things. Thanks for having the courage to share something so personal.

    And I agree with the previous commenters….dogs are a lot of work…and they smell…and have fleas. Start out smaller with like maybe a fish or something less needy. 😉

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