the same week i accepted my new calling, everything changed.
hours were spent that week on the phone with my insurance company and several clinics and specialists. probably my favorite phone call was when i asked if any of the clinic’s doctors specialized in recurrent pregnancy loss and the girl on the other end didn’t know what i was talking about. i may have hung up on her. i scheduled a specialist appointment for february and an intro meeting with lds family services.
i also complained to two friends that i’d been experiencing cramping for a week but still hadn’t had a period since my miscarriage. both raised their eyebrows and said i should go see my doctor.
after closing the door on my little urine sample i waited in the doctor’s office. before i could worry if i was facing a bigger problem my nurse, delilah, ran in. she was waving what could only be a stick that had been dipped in my pee. she jumped up and down and gleefully announced, you’re pregnant!
a shock set in that would last at least another month. i stared. mouth agape. not speaking. heart racing. fighting the urge to be happy or excited. not wanting to lose another one. hoping for this moment to be real but doubting it at the same time.
i anxiously waited the blood work… an HCG level of 13,000 in late january is much different from a 35 in early december. i saw those numbers but was not appeased. i had been at this point so many times before. positive pregnancy test. normal blood work. the flickering black and white heart beat on the screen. all to vanish in a few weeks.
my doctor seemed to think this was a cut and dry pregnancy. christian helped him see that i was beyond on edge about it and so he agreed to see me weekly through week 12. we returned home that weekend with an identical ultrasound printout to match my others. of something very small within me.
sunday, my new bishopric, along with christian, put their hands on my head to set me apart as the relief society president. the bishop offered the blessing. midway through, he was overcome with emotion. he paused, and then powerfully said the tender mercies of the lord would be with me.
the bishop didn’t know our less than 48 hour old news. no one in that room knew our news but us. christian faithfully held to those words and knew from that day on that this time would be different. it has taken me a little longer to find that confidence.