tender mercies.

the same week i accepted my new calling, everything changed.

hours were spent that week on the phone with my insurance company and several clinics and specialists. probably my favorite phone call was when i asked if any of the clinic’s doctors specialized in recurrent pregnancy loss and the girl on the other end didn’t know what i was talking about. i may have hung up on her. i scheduled a specialist appointment for february and an intro meeting with lds family services.

i also complained to two friends that i’d been experiencing cramping for a week but still hadn’t had a period since my miscarriage. both raised their eyebrows and said i should go see my doctor.

after closing the door on my little urine sample i waited in the doctor’s office. before i could worry if i was facing a bigger problem my nurse, delilah, ran in. she was waving what could only be a stick that had been dipped in my pee. she jumped up and down and gleefully announced, you’re pregnant!

a shock set in that would last at least another month. i stared. mouth agape. not speaking. heart racing. fighting the urge to be happy or excited. not wanting to lose another one. hoping for this moment to be real but doubting it at the same time.

i anxiously waited the blood work… an HCG level of 13,000 in late january is much different from a 35 in early december. i saw those numbers but was not appeased. i had been at this point so many times before. positive pregnancy test. normal blood work. the flickering black and white heart beat on the screen. all to vanish in a few weeks.

my doctor seemed to think this was a cut and dry pregnancy. christian helped him see that i was beyond on edge about it and so he agreed to see me weekly through week 12. we returned home that weekend with an identical ultrasound printout to match my others. of something very small within me.

sunday, my new bishopric, along with christian, put their hands on my head to set me apart as the relief society president. the bishop offered the blessing. midway through, he was overcome with emotion. he paused, and then powerfully said the tender mercies of the lord would be with me.

the bishop didn’t know our less than 48 hour old news. no one in that room knew our news but us. christian faithfully held to those words and knew from that day on that this time would be different. it has taken me a little longer to find that confidence.


25 thoughts on “tender mercies.

  1. Oh, Robin!!!! I felt so much joy reading this. I hope all is well with you and your tiny one within. My heart is full up just thinking of this pregnancy. 🙂

  2. This may have made me cry – not like that’s uncommon these days- ha! Don’t let fear get in the way of your happiness!! I hear that you are scared but you are already a faithful mother in your heart. Love you!

  3. Loved our breakfast this morning. Every time you share that story I feel the spirit so strongly. It’s been your turn for a very long time, and I am so thrilled for you two. Now I’m just sitting here waiting for your text so I know whether to make a blue or pink blanket. Love you!

      1. Thanks! I really need your updated email address… all’s well here! I’ve been thinking about you lots – Jenny is super excited too and Robert says congrats!

  4. I feel like I have been carrying a happy secret with me for weeks! We are over the moon happy for you and Christian.

  5. This made me burst into happy tears. So wonderful Robin…you will be an amazing mother. And who knows maybe you’ll get pregnant again with another baby right away and it will pretty much feel like twins. 😉 Congrats!!!

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