to be alone with you.

i passed my glucose test on friday. i was nervous all week and then that day. i was worried i’d drink the lemon-lime sugar water just to lose it. but it stayed down. i saw my doctor who always says funny things like, so are you taking a birthing class? no? well, the baby will come out whether you take one or not! or when we listen to the heartbeat he reminds me it sounds like a boy, or he prophesies that he’ll sound different when he’s out!

i am grateful to that heartbeat and to the kicks the sonogram picked up. but i miss him. i was spoiled with my situation to see him grow each week in the beginning – and now that he is actively going crazy in there i want to check in on him. i wonder what he looks like and exactly where all his arms and legs are.

this pregnancy has been surreal. i feel as if i have slept through most of it and now, on the downhill, i am panicked. unprepared. scared to death. for so long i pretended it wasn’t happening to protect myself. and then when the sickness took over all i could think about was the sick, not much else. by the time things eased up a bit i realized this was very much real.

after seeing the doctor and having my blood taken for the gazillionth time we got back in the car. and i just cried. i don’t even know why. i was just overwhelmed. emotional. still shaky but very much thankful.

at home christian was excited to take advantage of our early sun and go golfing. i encouraged him to leave since i am pretty boring lately and like to be near my own bathroom. two seconds after he left he was back, standing in the kitchen. he said he felt like he shouldn’t go. we didn’t do anything amazing, but i was happy for the nice thing he did that night.

it’s hard to explain how i have felt this year – more cautious and anxiously scared than excited. friends who are due after me have already set up their nurseries and taken hospital tours and researched pediatricians. whereas i have been nervous to jinx anything. until last week i couldn’t bring myself to buy anything for the baby room. i thought i should maybe just wait a little bit longer.

we now have an ikea crib in the baby room. it’s still in its box, waiting. like me i guess. but i’m not quite sure what i’m waiting for.

———————-
to be alone with you; sufjan stevens

 

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13 thoughts on “to be alone with you.

  1. So exciting! I’m so happy for you. 🙂

    It’s ok if you’re not super ready for baby. All you really need is a crib, a carseat, some diapers & wipes, bottles if you’re bottle feeding, and some clothes. The rest is either a convenience or you find that you don’t really need it, and the difference between the two gets figured out eventually.

      1. The hospital will give you some, and then you send C dawg to the store. Don’t stress. It’ll all work out. And It’ll be awesome.

  2. I had a friend who planned to put their first baby in the bottom drawer because they were planning to move a month or so after he was born AND because that’s what her mom did. So you are super prepared! Seriously, babies don’t need much, just a mom. You are soooo cute!

  3. Seriously, all you need is diapers, wipes, binky, bottle/formula or the alternative, burp cloth, a few nightgowns for baby (so easy to change those diapers in) and you. Baby sleeps on you 24/7 anyways. You got time to put up crib later. You are looking so cute with your belly. I wish I looked that good when I was prego. Just relax and enjoy your quiet time before he gets here!

    1. You are so right! We really don’t need that much! Thanks for helping me check out the cribs at Ikea! I’m sure you were super cute pregnant. I want to see pictures the next time I’m over!!

  4. So happy to hear that your sickness has eased a bit — ugh, it sounded so terrible! Your feeling of “waiting” definitely resonates with me. When I was pregnant with Addison, I had a lot of help from my visiting teacher (who was also in the RS presidency) when I was sick, but I didn’t really want to tell anyone else. Finally, the RS president came over and asked me if they could just tell a few more sisters in the ward so that they could spread out the help. So then I felt very strange and silly and embarrassed, but in my head, I just thought we needed to wait until at least the 20-week ultrasound and knew that all the important things were present.

  5. I can completely relate! I am almost 21 weeks and i have bought NOTHING for the baby yet! I am waiting until I am 30 weeks and know that the baby will survive if she has to be born early to buy anything. That’s what recurrent miscarriages do to one’s mind I guess… I am so excited for you, if the doctor is not doing ultrasounds anymore is, that’s great news, he knows things are going well!

  6. Came back for a re-read. Lemon-lime? All my glucose tests were done with an orange flavored drink. Lucky! 🙂

    Hope things are going well! There’s still lots of time to get things ready. I think we have a “baby supplies master list” that floated around by email for a while… I remember thinking a little while before my first was born that we didn’t even have a blanket for the baby. We got a few things, but, thanks to baby showers and family and friends all the needs and more were filled. It all worked out in the end!

    1. My friend told me to ask for the lemon lime! I’m glad she did because they only offered me fruit punch and orange at first!

      We have a lot of clothes and a few blankies so I’m sure we’ll be okay! It’s just kind of crazy to think this little person will be outside soon!

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