i passed my glucose test on friday. i was nervous all week and then that day. i was worried i’d drink the lemon-lime sugar water just to lose it. but it stayed down. i saw my doctor who always says funny things like, so are you taking a birthing class? no? well, the baby will come out whether you take one or not! or when we listen to the heartbeat he reminds me it sounds like a boy, or he prophesies that he’ll sound different when he’s out!
i am grateful to that heartbeat and to the kicks the sonogram picked up. but i miss him. i was spoiled with my situation to see him grow each week in the beginning – and now that he is actively going crazy in there i want to check in on him. i wonder what he looks like and exactly where all his arms and legs are.
this pregnancy has been surreal. i feel as if i have slept through most of it and now, on the downhill, i am panicked. unprepared. scared to death. for so long i pretended it wasn’t happening to protect myself. and then when the sickness took over all i could think about was the sick, not much else. by the time things eased up a bit i realized this was very much real.
after seeing the doctor and having my blood taken for the gazillionth time we got back in the car. and i just cried. i don’t even know why. i was just overwhelmed. emotional. still shaky but very much thankful.
at home christian was excited to take advantage of our early sun and go golfing. i encouraged him to leave since i am pretty boring lately and like to be near my own bathroom. two seconds after he left he was back, standing in the kitchen. he said he felt like he shouldn’t go. we didn’t do anything amazing, but i was happy for the nice thing he did that night.
it’s hard to explain how i have felt this year – more cautious and anxiously scared than excited. friends who are due after me have already set up their nurseries and taken hospital tours and researched pediatricians. whereas i have been nervous to jinx anything. until last week i couldn’t bring myself to buy anything for the baby room. i thought i should maybe just wait a little bit longer.
we now have an ikea crib in the baby room. it’s still in its box, waiting. like me i guess. but i’m not quite sure what i’m waiting for.
to be alone with you; sufjan stevens