here bring your wounded hearts; here tell your anguish.

throughout this pregnancy i have been repeatedly asked by doctors, technicians, ER nurses and strangers if this is my first pregnancy. the word first catches in my throat. sometimes for simplicity i say yes. other times i explain this is most likely my sixth.

the past few years i have watched for and silently marked the passing of various dates. both dates of losses and dates of what would have been births. generally july is a hard month for me with three reminders.

i have struggled with what those almost lives mean to me both in a physical and spiritual sense.

from a religious standpoint i am pro-life with a few exceptions. i believe there is life in conception. i believe that we were first spirit children of our heavenly father who each await a physical body to experience this earth life. i believe that there is life after death and that we are always progressing. i believe that we will be reunited with loved ones in the next life, and if we have lost children, they will be ours once again to raise. our church mentions specifically the handling of stillborn children – but not miscarriages.

up until now, i had not felt that there were children who belonged to me in heaven. i wrestled with that fact, mostly out of fear that i was wrong, and they were waiting up there and wondering why i was such a lame mother. my cousin reassured me. she made the point that if i did not have an overwhelming feeling of children waiting for me in the hereafter than that was most likely my answer. that sentiment has brought me peace.

when i moved to seattle almost seven years ago i discovered brian andreas’ story people. their color, whimsy and poetry spoke to me. i was enamored with their power. we soon had several in our home and i even saved up for a sculpture. remember how you spent $300 on a piece of wood?? christian would tease. and i’d remind him that it was my most favorite piece of wood in the entire world. baby room storypeople

i knew i needed a story people for the baby room and i carefully picked one out and put it on my registry. but then, a few weeks ago, i went in to fireworks at bellesquare while christian worked some crazy deal at the lego store. i headed straight for the back to flip through the bin of story people. i read every single one. not finding the one i had selected, i stumbled on an entirely different one.

i read and re-read it through eyes that quickly filled with tears. and that is how christian found me. in the back of fireworks, crying, over something beautiful.

are these sad tears or happy tears? he asked concerned. i wasn’t sure. it felt like a little of both.

sad tears for this journey. for the dates that are marked but do not grow older with time.

happy tears for this journey. for the little person who already truly feels like mine.

 

…………………………..
come, ye disconsolate; #115 lds hymnal

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9 thoughts on “here bring your wounded hearts; here tell your anguish.

  1. I love the story people picture you found and I love the story people wood that you have. And I love your blog and your writing. I am so excited for the arrival of your babyo.

  2. That post brought tears to my eyes. I never knew about your situation. But that is often the case “in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can’t see.” So glad you have been blessed with this opportunity. The story people picture is perfect.

  3. you are going to be such a special mommy-o! i love the style you add to songs, stories, art, etc. i know you are going to cherish everything from 3am feedings to screaming meltdowns;.) but especially the special moments that are so dear and sweet–baby crawling over to you, wanting to only be comforted by you; baby eyeing you with a huge toothless grin, and you smiling back, knowing the inside joke only you two share; baby clapping with joy for learning and applying something you taught him, and you feeling so much joy for filling that role. i am so excited for you, mommy-o!

  4. i bet it’s a really awesome piece of wood that you bought 🙂 can’t wait to see your little one enter the world in a couple of months!! Pretty special 🙂 Miss ya

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