before i realized i was pregnant i had been making plans to move forward in other ways. i scheduled our intro meeting with lds family services to discuss adoption in january. when the appointment rolled around i knew i was pregnant, but being only five weeks pregnant, and extremely cautious, unsure and not ready to trust that pregnancy, we went forward with the meeting.
the counselor was very nice and thorough, however the discussion left me feeling unsettled and extremely upset.
she asked for a medical reason to explain my multiple miscarriages and recurrent pregnancy loss. doctors didn’t know. therefore we did not know.
she wanted me to commit 100% to adoption and to give up on having a child naturally. she said both routes are emotionally difficult and draining and it is best to only focus on one path.
she explained the necessary home visits and classes we’d be required to take in order to adopt.
she said it could take an average of three years, possibly longer, to be matched with a birth mother and child and in the same breath she said adoptive parents who are in their 40s or nearing 40 are at a disadvantage.
we thanked her for her time.
but i was not thankful.
i was extremely irritated.
not only did i have five years before hitting 40 but i had five years of infinitely better chances of having a baby naturally before hitting 40. if i waited to start the adoption process until a doctor told me i couldn’t have children that might be years down the road. and then i’d be in the no man’s land of 40.
i was also annoyed of all the required hoops we would have to jump through to prove we were capable to care for and raise a child.
people have babies all the time! i fumed. no one makes them take a competency test or inspects their homes!
last week while christian was out-of-town i laid asher on my bed. i had just put his jammies on and wrapped him in a blanket. in an instant, white, milky, vomit streamed out of his mouth and nostrils. his eyes looked alarmed as he began to choke.
shocked and frightened i scooped him up. i patted his back and wiped the spit-up from his eyes, nose and mouth. i made sure he was breathing and held him close. and then i began to cry. he had never done this before.
i prayed he’d be okay. i prayed for help. i prayed to know what to do.
i called christian in st. louis and then a local friend. rachelle came right over. with her nursing background she explained he was okay and probably ate too fast or too much. she said to talk to his doctor if it starts to happen more frequently. and then she sat with me until i had calmed down.
with the feedings to follow i felt myself being more cautious. burping him a little longer. holding him a little closer. and checking in on his sleepy self. gently putting my hand to his chest to feel his little breathings. astonished that every day people take home these new little babies. bewildered that we aren’t required to pass any tests ahead of time.
my lady’s house; iron & wine