almost a year ago i wrote about how i wasn’t very thankful.
quickly after writing that i found out i was pregnant and then just as quickly i was not. a hard december would usher in shocking news mid-january. months added upon months, filled with something i wanted so badly, and those months were hard. hard in a way the years filled with longing were hard. it took me nearly halfway through the pregnancy to feel confident in what was happening.
but there were other hard things.
growing babies is a crazy wild process. everyone says you’ll forget the hard parts once you have the baby in your arms. i waved off those claims. not me, i won’t forget! i inwardly declared. i did not conceivably think i could forget this year. at times i didn’t know if i could make it to the end of september let alone the end of another day.
and then he came. i remembered the bad still, but it seemed kind of far off.
and then i would stare at his perfect face. and the bad became a little fuzzy.
and then i would hold him and his little arms would cling to me. and the bad started to slip.
and then he’d smile or laugh. and the bad, it was the price i paid for this good.
he doesn’t look like a newborn anymore which breaks my heart a tiny bit. and i do not look like i did before him, for that, i am thankful.