this last week i spent some time with a deaf sister from my congregation in her home. my attempts to communicate involved lots of arms and hands speaking a made up sign language. i understood her thank yous and i did a sloppy you’re welcome, my hand signing a w but moving in the wrong direction.
asher was with me for one of the visits. excited to be in a new place with things to explore, i held him firmly, not wanting him to knock over anything. she asked a question and i understood. shaking my head i tried to convey that i don’t have other babies. he is my only one.
on a piece of paper i wrote out – i’ve had a lot of miscarriages – and something about seeing it written so abruptly and directly jarred me a bit. she clutched her heart and expressed so much love without any words. she asked his name. below my first sentence i wrote – asher – and then she wrote – beautiful.
last weekend we took asher to the museum of flight for a boeing day. the big attraction was the newly arrived 787 which will now be on display there.
our outing filled me with excitement and some trepidation.
the last time we were there, i was pregnant. for the very first time.
it was a thursday. i’d been feeling sick for a while but all pregnancy tests were negative so we were at the doctor. i was shocked when she jovially said, you’re pregnant! the nurse grabbed christian from the waiting room. we sat there so surprised and so happy. christian kept the print out from the pregnancy test for his journal.
and then we went to the museum of flight. the next day i saw a blinking heart beat for the very first time.
this time we were there with our little whopper.
he was excited to hear and see all the planes landing. he laughed at all the people, especially kids. he yelled until we took him out of the stroller and then he wanted to be held like superman so he could push the stroller himself. he enamored the families in front and behind while we wound our way through the very long line to board the 787. on board he preferred if i crouched down so he could look out the windows. he gave one of the pilots a high-five.
all the while i kept thinking how this visit was connected to the last one.
i don’t think i will stop thinking about all that has happened in between. after a long struggle, having a baby doesn’t calm the storm. it does bridge the chasm that kept you from what you wanted – but it doesn’t quiet the desire for more, or the fear of if nots.
for me, i want asher to know, that he is enough. that isn’t to say i won’t be sad at times. or things may get hard again. or someone else’s announcement may pierce me. but if it is just us with this crazy little whopper, it is enough.