hello, i’ve waited here for you.

space shuttle mommy! asher says while pointing up at the trail a jet leaves behind high above us.

we are supposed to be getting in the car. i am encouraging him to hurry. we are late. before i get impatient i remember expecting a three year old, to operate on my timing, is a recipe for disaster.

i admire the white streak growing fainter as i prod him to climb in the car. i explain it is an airplane and not a space shuttle. he is not convinced.

for the next 2.7 miles i am fielding space shuttle questions.

is that space shuttle going to italy? no, airplanes go to italy. space shuttles go to the moon.

outer space? space shuttles go to outer space? yes! outer space! how did you know that?

they go fast? fast and far away? like italy? take space shuttle to utah? yes very fast. no, not utah. space ships go to the moon! other planets. they pass stars.

planets, mommy? we live on a planet.

i can go in a space shuttle?  you have to be an astronaut to go in a space shuttle.

astronaut? it’s the person who gets to fly a space shuttle.

space shuttle has doors? yes, it has doors, and windows and lots of buttons.

buttons? buttons you use to fly the space ship.

ewe (you), ewe go with me in space shuttle? i won’t ever go in a space shuttle baby. oh! we can go in a space shuttle. we need to go to a museum, and then we can go inside one.

me go to museum! see space shuttle! yes, we will go see one at a museum. we’ll find a video on you tube when we get home.

it is during this conversation, that i am overcome.

overcome with joy at hearing his little voice question, process, and understand. overcome with tremendous appreciation that i even get to have tedious routines and conversations like that. and then later, as he is curled next christian watching an astronaut float around various parts of the space station, demonstrating where she sleeps, how she exercises, and brushes her teeth, that i feel myself overcome all over again with love, and gratitude, and thanks.

i am eternally grateful that i get to call these two little boys mine. that i am given the miracle of watching them rapidly grow. that i have the privilege of teaching them. to see them learn and tackle new tasks. to see how their communication abilities progress. to feel their hurts, sadness, and disappointments. to hear their voices. to laugh with them. to hold them. to have their personalities fill our home which once felt so crushingly empty.

five thanksgivings ago i struggled to have a heart full of thanks, or any thanks for that matter. after years of yearning, repeated losses and what felt like never-ending despair it seemed parts of my heart were irreparably broken. they weren’t beyond repair, but they were suffering in such darkness that the light had a hard time penetrating them.
slowly healing came in the form of, if it is just us, maybe i can be happy. and that transitioned into, if we only ever have him, i am tremendously grateful. which became, if these two boys are our family, i will be at peace.
that’s not to say there isn’t remembering, longing, or uncertainty. but for now, while some aching lingers, those wounded pieces have been transformed.
rachel's wedding, october
everlong; foo fighters

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