december was gray.

i feel like i am collecting gray months. not purposefully. i know the gray months don’t define me. but there are gray months all the same.

months that remind me of hard things. months that make me anxious for their coming. months that would have been celebrations. months that make me remember what i lost.

july has a whopping three strikes against it. january, february and december now carry the burden of one.

there are other months that gather different kinds of tally marks. it’s in our nature to mark time from when we’ve made changes. when we’ve moved. when we’ve quit or started jobs. when we last saw someone.

i carried the weight of this past december from doctor’s appointment to doctor’s appointment. i arrived at my last appointment of december to find an office error looking back at me. the computer thought i was there for a prenatal visit. i said nothing. but i locked eyes with those words.

after several apologies from the nurse, a brief meeting with the doctor and what felt like all of my blood walking away in little vials, i was handed a different paper. with a different declaration.

as i staggered, but before i faltered under december’s gray, there were many bright spots.

taco soup delivered by a friend and her little holly – whose first order of business was to make sure our christmas tree lights were turned on. my favorite tulips on my porch.

never-ending holiday deliveries. the best card ever.
christmas eve with carsen’s family. christmas morning with aurora and grant. christmas dinner with meagan. we even managed to squeeze in some painting. what can i say, i must like gray.
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november was white, december was grey by say hi